Ancient Moon
by DarkyDearest
Summary: Edwards Point Of View on New Moon. Very Angsty :D Everyone loves a little angst right? The Story of my oneshot: The Right Thing. Warning: New Moon Spoilers.
1. The Right Thing

**A/N: **Hey guys! Ok this story was originally a oneshot called "The Right Thing" This first chapter is NOT the same as the oneshot. It has undergone a lot of extending and it deserves a reread if you have already read it. Pritty Please R&R! I would love you forever and ever!

**Exposition: **This is written from Edward's pov, it begins in chapter 3 of New Moon. If you haven't read New Moon please turn back now MAJOR spoilers may be contained!

**The Right Thing**

There are moments, in life, when time seems to move both very slowly and simultaneously quicker than lightning. You seem to be experiencing everything more deeply than seems natural. You can hear every extension of every syllable of every sound. You can feel every separate sensation of feeling in your body. You can see every detail in your surroundings with exceptional clarity. Yet at the same time the moments seem to be slipping away from you without permission, leaving you without the means to appreciate your newly defined senses. It is if your body is acting of its own accord, on a set path. You are a train with no breaks and no steering. You have only one set course. You cannot deviate. It's a very helpless feeling, this sensation that something important is moving away from you so quickly that there is nothing in your power to stop it.

It is in this state of sharply aware, single mindedness that I turned from Isabella and walked away.

Thousands of times, in the few seconds that it took me to put nearly a mile between us, I wanted to turn around and run straight back. I could feel my joints preparing for the one fluid movement it would take me to spin and be hurtling in the opposite direction. It would've been so simple to just reappear and wipe away the silent tears that I could still smell lingering, salty in the air, but I had to be strong. I had to control myself and my every beastly tendency.

For even then, even as I lamented the greatest loss I had ever experienced, the accursed thirst burned in my throat, with its constant sickening throb. Serving a purpose for once, this was enough to push me on and away from Isabella and all her soft unspoiled goodness. I refused to hurt her anymore than I had already. Hopefully sometime soon she would be able to understand that this was the right thing. I had done the right thing.

Although I told myself that countless times over the next months, I could never seem to make it ring completely true.

I hurtled through the forests faster than I could ever recall going before, with no sense of purpose or direction. It didn't matter anyway. Now that I had run away from the one thing that mattered, what was there left to run towards? Without meaning to I found myself in our meadow. It was wrong to have come there but it was as if my feet were winning some battle with my head. I didn't pause on the edge of the treeless circle of billowing grasses. I pelted straight through the rain directly to the center, to the very spot where we had been sitting what felt like millions of years ago.

The painful memories of that day flooded back, knocking me down in every literal sense. I sat curled up on the muddy bank of the stream, pretending that the thick rain drops staining my face were tears, wishing to be normal. The vision of her face, flushed and warmed by the sun as she beckoned me farther into the warmth, curious rather than frightened of what I was, taunted me. Even more painful yet was the marring vision of her frozen in place, frightened into stillness by my over reaction to her presence.

Even the good moments of my short lived happiness with her had been scarred until they were unrecognizable by my actions. It was unforgivable.

I had no concept of passing time as I sat in the liquid dark, straining to smell a scent that was now too far away and washed clean by rain.

Without meaning to my mind began to replay the last moments I had spent in her company. I had said my real goodbyes days before in her room when I had made my decision; but these were still the last recollections I would have of her heavenly scent, her silk like hair, her depthless eyes, and her warm skin beneath my cold betraying lips.

Suddenly it was too much. I had to do something. I couldn't sit still any longer; I needed to make it all come out right. To me this meant that I needed to be punished. I was beyond all rationality, and although I knew it would make no difference upon my cursed existence I turned to the cold crystalline stream to my left.

Unthinkingly, in one swift movement I threw myself into the freezing water. It was only deep enough to just cover up my body with a few silvery feet of liquid once I was laying on the bottom. I felt a short moment of relief as the water shocked me slightly, being a few degrees colder than my own skins temperature, but the reprieve provided by being able to actually _feel_ was soon gone. My body naturally trapped air it didn't need, but I forced it out of my lungs and breathed in deeply. I could feel the water filling up my lungs making my chest heavy. I half expected to feel the desperate and helpless feeling of needing oxygen but it never came. The water just lay there in my unused windpipe, like lead. I stayed absolutely still for countless minutes, allowing the churning currents caused by my abrupt entry to the stream bed to still. Soon I could see the fantastic patterns formed by the natural flow of the water and the raindrops still falling over my head.

Through the foggy liquid looking glass I saw a figure loom over me. Carlisle, golden hair luminous even in the dark through three feet of water, was now reaching down to lift me from the stream. _You can still go back. _ This thought echoed out clearly as he put me on my dripping feet with a deeply pained expression.

I tried to respond aloud but my airways were filled with water. I choked on the cold liquid pouring out of my mouth, and despite my lack of an average gag reflex started to reject the water in my system. As I leaned on my hands and knees in the tall grasses sputtering and finally taking deep unnecessary breaths, I could hear other tracks of Carlisle's thoughts spiraling off faintly. _He's tearing himself up already. This can't last long. _It took the small amount of self control I had left to force myself to disagree with words instead of reckless actions, "No. I can't go back Carlisle. This is right. She deserves to be happy. She deserves to be normal. I won't hurt her again, I promised." I sounded as desperate as I felt even to myself. _Why don't we sit down and talk through this again. There must be a way… some solution that won't cause you so much pain… a way to stay. _

"We've been over it again and again. There is no solution. This is the only way!" My voice was moving up fast in pitch and intensity. My eyes searched my father's face wildly for some sign that he understood. I found nothing in his expression or his thoughts to tell me that he approved of what I was doing; I accepted no other answer. I drug myself to my feet and began to back away from him, "I won't hurt her." I repeated once more.

And with that, in order to make my words true I ran towards the opposite side of the clearing, aiming to put as much distance between myself and temptation as I possibly could. When I reached the edge of the meadow in a fraction of a second I was stopped abruptly by the presence of a pale figure standing in my path, caramel hair billowing in the wind and rain. I couldn't bear to look into her eyes and see the disappointment I knew was waiting. I couldn't bear the sadness I was causing her along with that which I was causing myself. I tried desperately to tune them out but her thoughts broke through. _I don't know if I can stand to see you go back to the way you were before. You've changed so much. For the better. _

My head felt like it was going to explode if it fought with itself any harder. I wanted to hate myself for wasting the chance I had been given at happiness. I wanted to mourn what I had lost. I wanted to hope that a solution would present itself after all. And most disturbingly of all, a small part of me wanted to destroy.

A pure and perverse instinct wanted me to manifest the pain I was feeling in any physical way. It wanted me to rip something to shreds just because I was able. Even more ashamed of this part of myself than anything else I spun away from Esme and ran at the wall of forest to my left. Just as unthinkingly as I had thrown myself into the water hoping to drown, I threw my fist directly through the first tree I met hoping to release some of the horribly intense emotions I was feeling.

In a matter of seconds I had efficiently turned the innocent tree into sawdust and I was moving onto its neighbor when I felt a small, solid hand on my shoulder. I froze in place, one hand raised half way to impacting with the doomed oak and the other curled just as tightly ready to follow the blow through. I slowly uncurled my fists and lowered my hands to my sides. My head felt loose and heavy on my neck, collapsing forwards to leave me staring at the muddy ground. I squeezed my eyes shut for a brief moment and when I opened them I was much closer to the ground. I had sunk to my knees without realizing and I was now staring at the pulverized remains of the unsuspecting plant I had destroyed.

This was what I was. I was a reckless force of nature, unnatural in everyway. I was a perfect machine with no possible function. I was doomed and damned in every sense and no amount of repentance would preserve me.

I went limp and began to fall forwards into the wet earth, but iron arms were around me suddenly, holding me steady. Carlisle lifted me to my feet and supported my weight; I found myself facing a horrified Esme. She was trying desperately to reason with me in her thoughts. She knew what I was going through; she had spent many of her human years away from her true love. She had lost Carlisle once. That was true, but what I didn't say as I fell into the warm embrace of my unnatural mother, was that she had found her love again. I was leaving mine for good.

**A/N:** I know this chapter is pretty short. I am trying to work on my length… please review with constructive criticism or praise :D what can I do better? How can I keep you interested? I am here to serve haha I'm going to the beach over the long weekend so the earliest I will update this is next Wed. also I just started a ton of AP and honors courses so I may be a slow updater. Stick with me though! Lots of LoveDarky


	2. Running Away

**A/N: **Alrighty so here's another angsty chapter! Beware its going to be like this for a while… you must admit New Moon is a pretty angsty book in general eh? This is basically Edward doing a lot of thinking, not a whole lot of action but I'm saving that up for the next chapter.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Twilight or New Moon or any of the characters or plots contained. I am merely filling in the blanks while I wait for Eclipse. All of the aforementioned wonderfulness belongs to the ever wonderful Stephenie Meyer.

Chapter 2

I don't know how long we stood there in the muddy quiet of the forest. The rain was a calming white noise, fading into the background, lulling me into a sort of stupor. My eyes stayed open, but they were unfocused, not seeing. It occurred to me that I was moving, and I shook my head to catch a hold on the present moment. A grim Carlisle and a big eyed Esme were leading me out of the clearing, towards the cover of the trees where the wind and rain weren't so fierce. Dully I told them that it didn't matter; we were already soaked. Something in my voice made Esme's eyes widen even more, a feat I thought would've been impossible, and she turned to Carlisle.

Suddenly I felt very tired. The adrenaline like recklessness produced by the horrifying development in my life wore off quickly leaving me wasted in its wake. I could see the long days, weeks, months, years, centuries stretching out ahead of me into forever.

"He can't travel in this condition, maybe we should take him back to the house for a while, let him calm down." Her voice was low and soft and full of worry; the harshness of my response was uncalled for, "I can hear you. I'm not an inanimate object, and I'm fine. Let's just go." She turned her big liquid eyes to mine, obviously hurt by my fierce tone. Unable to deal with the sudden surge of guilt that her glance triggered, I turned and faced northwards. "I'd really rather be alone right now." My voice was a cold monotone, "I'll meet you in Denali."

I walked away from them, with long swift strides. At first I thought I didn't have it in me to run anymore, although it wasn't as if I was physically tired, but, when I was a few feet into the trees, I heard a distant sound that forced me forward at a neck breaking pace. Miles and miles away I could hear the faint echo of Charlie Swan, calling for his daughter. Apparently my forged note hadn't held him off for as long as I would have hoped. By the time her name reached my ears with a distinct sting for the third time he stopped calling, I heard the bang of the front screen door. He had found her. She was safe. That was all I needed to hear.

I threw myself forward through the trees, closing my eyes I navigated purely by feel. I could hear the forest around me and I focused on getting as far north as I could as fast as I possibly could. I had never really considered it before but I realized now that I had the ability to keep running forever if I wanted to. I couldn't get tired, I couldn't run out of breath, I obviously couldn't get my heart rate up too high. As long as I stopped to eat occasionally, perhaps this is what I should do with this rest of forever. I would travel the world, but I would refuse its every experience. I would see it as the blur that it really truly was.

Because I could already feel a sense of surrender settling over me. This strange and warped world without Bella in it was impossibly bleak. There was no color to it but varying hues of gray. The world had lost its luster for me and it wouldn't be returning any time soon.

I ran for a full day before I reached Denali. When I could smell the other clan I finally slowed, just outside of the nearest town. I wasn't ready to be with the others yet. Listening in I saw that none of them were thinking of Carlisle and Esme yet; they hadn't arrived. Alice was worried about me; Jasper was worried about Alice. Rosalie was upset because the focus wasn't on her, and Emmet was upset because Rosalie was upset. The Denali clan were mostly thinking their own thoughts, although some of them were expending most of their energy trying not to worry about "What the Cullens weren't telling them." Apparently my family wanted to wait and see how much information I was willing to give out. They could tell them whatever they wanted. It didn't matter now; nothing did. I listened especially closely to Alice's mind but I couldn't tell if she had had any visions since I had last seen her. She was too preoccupied with opinions that I would rather have not heard. From the lack of information in her mind I grudgingly assumed that Bella was safe. I would only have the luxury of checking on her through the medium of Alice's sight for a little longer, and I wanted to take advantage of it while I could.

Although I wanted to tell her to keep the closest tabs she could keep, I had decided that it would be best if I convinced Alice not to look for visions of Bella. I was afraid that at the tiniest hint of danger I would start making excuses for myself to go back, defeating my own purpose by putting her in even more danger with my very presence. I had to accept the fact that human lives are difficult and damaging. People get hurt. I had to come to terms with the fact that, being who she was Bella was going to be getting hurt for the rest of her life and there was no way I could stop it without causing her pain.

_As long as she is alive, truly alive and living a true human life _I thought, pausing on the edge of a small ravine I had come upon while skirting the edge of Denali, _I can go on. _This of course led to the realization that, due to her human state, some day, Bella would die. The words were painful to think; I winced audibly. I walked to the very edge of the small canyon, so near to the empty air that the toes of my shoes hung unsupported. Briefly I thought of jumping off just to feel the impact and know that something could affect me. I wasn't stone. But I quickly dismissed the idea. I had had enough futile suicide attempts for that day at least.

Instead of hurling myself off the edge, I sat down on it. My dangling leg stance didn't fit my mood, so I pulled my knees up to my chest instead and wrapped my arms around them. That was much better, now the pain I felt throbbing through my body didn't feel so much like it was going to rip me apart. It felt more like I would spontaneously combust at any moment. The fire in my heart was almost as bad as the flames I could still remember licking through my veins as Carlisle changed me.

It was for the first time then that I ever wished that Carlisle hadn't ever created me. For a moment I was able to ignore all of the things I would never have gotten to experience and feel angry that anyone would curse my soul the way that he had. I pressed my forehead against my knees and clenched my hands hard enough to begin wearing holes through the fabric of my pants. I let go and let the anger pass. Even if it was all over now, I wouldn't have traded the time I had been given with Bella for anything. Even for my soul back. I would spend a thousand lifetimes in hell for the few months of heaven that I had been able to experience.

My thoughts were beginning to circle. I could feel my emotions welding together at their endpoints, forming a constant loop. I had a distinct feeling that this vicious cycle was going to become a very big part of my life very quickly. I could perfectly picture myself going from desperate, to angry, to empty, to depressed, to desperate, to angry and so on for the rest of eternity. There had to be a way to end this torture! There must be some way to finally release my cursed soul from my cold unnatural body.

Uncalled the memory from a few weeks ago flooded into my head. I could perfectly remember the warm feeling of Bella's body pressed against my own, the roughness of the blanket between us as I desperately tried to keep her warm, and the salty smell of her tears as she cried over the fallen figures of Romeo and Juliet. Our conversation blared in my head deafening me. _Well, I wasn't going to live without you. But I wasn't sure how to do it…. _I had said it so lightly then. That memory felt like a scene from a play now itself. Crystal clear, yet shiny somehow, making it feel distant and unreal. The sentiment behind those words had always been real. Perhaps I had meant what I said more literally than I once thought.

I started to consider options. There weren't many. The most likely was probably the one I had suggested in the same conversation. I had heard that the Volturi were very good at taking care of any threat to their covert existence very quickly. I couldn't think of anyone else who would know how to do it… When I began to think about how soon I could get to Italy, I forced myself to stop.

No. Not now. Not yet. I had to wait. Deeper than the obvious reason that it would practically destroy my family, this like the rest of my actions was motivated by concern for Bella. It seemed irrational but some part of me needed to hold on to the hope that if I succeeded in doing away with myself while Bella was still alive, she would somehow instinctually know. She couldn't know that. I had to be strong. I had to wait. I would let her go first, but I _would_ go. The waiting couldn't be that bad could it? I had been waiting for lifetime upon lifetime before I met Bella. This couldn't be so different.

I stood and turned to walk towards the home of the Denali clan but as I took my first step, something glinted in the grass and caught my eye. I picked up a small metal barrette. I could recall the day when she had worn her chocolate hair pulled back, exposing the soft skin of her neck and face with perfect clarity. No matter how convoluted the connection, the reminder felt like a broadsword to my chest. I dropped the barrette and ran a shaky hand through my hair, then almost without meaning to I bent and picked it up again slipping it into my pocket.

Apparently this sort of waiting would be extremely different. Even thousands of miles away in the middle of the forest, where the trees were frozen pines and not dripping ferns, there was no escaping my memories. The emptiness that I had felt for hundreds of years before I found Bella was changed now. It was multiplied tenfold and it had a sharper sting because it had a name. It was loneliness.

I was silent and still for a moment more, then I suddenly shot off into the woods again. I didn't know what to do now; I had lost all of my purpose so I supposed that in theory I could have just done nothing. But the more I stood around thinking the harder it was to remain sane and forget that I had just, in essence, ended my life. I grasped desperately at the idea of distraction in the form of company and conversation. I ran deeper into the woods, once again letting my senses guide me, not needing to think to get to my destination.

I paused in the shadow of the trees, on the edge of the clearing where the Denali clan made their home. The setting was like that of a dream; familiar elements twisted into something entirely different, yet not unrecognizable.

The house was large, although it housed only five "people". In truth it didn't even look like a house, it was closer to resembling a lodge, the likes of which might grace the cover of a hunting magazine. While the house itself may not have immediately seemed to resemble the one we left in forks, a few key factors sent me spinning into a bought of homesickness. The clearing was surrounded by methodically spaced pines, soaring over those that grew naturally in the forest around it. It had two stories, made of a dark shade of wood; the shape and construction was so much like that of the only house I would ever consider my home that it could have sprung from the same blueprints. I imagined that when Esme was looking for our house, a picture of this one had been in her mind. The lower story of the house, like that of ours, was encased in a wide wrap around porch, an almost obsolete protection when the coven lived this far from society.

Their home was at least ten miles out of the actual town of Denali, by only making the most necessary trips into human view and living in such a secluded location, the Denali vampires were able to stay in one place for much longer. In this way our lifestyles differed. They didn't interact daily with humans as we had tried (and I suppose now failed) to do. They didn't hold jobs or go to school. This made their home an attractive option for me at the moment. Being around a whole new high school filled with imbeciles would only serve to remind me of how superior Bella was. It was better for me to avoid all contact really. Better for everyone.

I walked towards the front door. The thoughts of my family and friends filling my head. For once I was thankful for the clamor clogging my thoughts. It blocked out my own mind better than I could hope to. Scared and desperate and wrecked and dead, I opened the door and stepped into the unnecessary warmth.

**A/N: **Awwww, poor Edward! I love him so! Lol I hope you guys enjoyed that, if you did review. If you didn't it is even more important that you review! Constructive Criticism. That's what I want and need! Lol thanks a bunch for reading even if you don't review. The next chapter will be up soon I already wrote part of it earlier today, I had a brain blast. It will be much more actiony and we will get to hear from the Cullens. Please let me know if you have any suggestions for the character development of the Denali Clan I am having some trouble.


	3. Drowning Again

**A/N: **I am so, so, so excited about this chapter! I had a lot of fun writing it. I must admit that I especially took a little guilty pleasure in writing some of Rosalie's dialogue. I don't want to spoil anything so I will babble a little more at the end. Enjoy!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Twilight, New Moon, or any of the characters, plot, or dialogue, contained. I can only guess at what I think could be going on behind the lovely faces of our beloved Cullen's.

Chapter 3

When I pushed the door open about three inches the knob was pulled from my hand. I stood stunned with my hand still grasping empty space; Alice stood in front of me looking troubled. She had obviously seen me coming a few moments before my arrival. "Oh Edward!" She wrapped her tiny arms around my waist with bear trap force, pinning my arms awkwardly to my sides. Grimacing, I slid my hands up out of her grip and awkwardly patted her back. "It's alright Alice, I'm fine really." "Edward you don't have to lie. You have a right to be upset, really." I knew she would see through my pretenses and that her concern was entirely sincere but I tried to avoid her pity just the same.

"I'm ok Alice. You don't need to worry." She released me and put her hands on her hips, staring at me calculatingly. "You don't look ok. In fact you look terrible." I opened my mouth to speak then I closed it and finally looked around. We were being sheepishly watched by eight other vampires. I was distantly amused to notice that the minds of Rosalie, Emmet, Jasper, Carmen, Eleazar, Tanya, Irina, and Kate were practically synchronized. They all recognized the awkwardness of the situation, although with various degrees of understanding for the cause. They all wanted to say something or do something that would fix things. They all knew just as well as I did that that was impossible.

"Hello everyone." Alice was still glaring at me, but I feigned ignorance. Jasper caught my eye. _She's just trying to help. We've all been worried. Are you really alright? _The tone of his thoughts was clearly disbelieving. I nodded my head very slightly and slid my focus to the left; I didn't want Jasper to have time to read the lie in my eyes. My effort was probably futile; he must have felt the anguish I was going through. Directly to the left side of him was Rosalie. The second our eyes met I moved mine upwards to look at Emmett who was resting his head on the top of hers. I didn't want to deal with Rosalie's scornful eyes or mental "I told you so" right now. Emmett raised an eyebrow at me, _Where are Carlisle and Esme?_ There was a thought I could deal with.

"Carlisle had to run back to the house and tie up a few loose ends at the last minute." I lied easily. "Esme went with him but I wanted to leave right away." That earned me a mental scoff from Rosalie. I glared at her before turning to the far left side of the welcoming committee. It had been almost a year since I had seen the Denali coven, not that they had changed.

Just to the left of Emmett and Rosalie were Irina, Kate and Tanya. The three "sisters" shared identical expressions of perplexed surprise on their beautiful pale faces. Apparently the reaction of the rest of my family to my arrival had caught them a little off guard. I found myself wondering exactly how much the others had left out in their explanation. I noticed that Kate's expression, while as confused as the others was also tinged with pity. Just then I remembered her "gift". Kate had the unfortunate ability to feel the pain of those around her. Over the years she had been able to fine tune it to an extent; she was usually able to tune out any small amount of suffering around her. I assumed that the throbbing in my entire body had caught her off guard and I was sorry that she was feeling what I was feeling, however some sick part of me was glad. Kate could normally only feel physical pains. If she was hurting for me now, it meant that I wasn't going nearly as crazy as I thought; the squeezing sensation in my chest wasn't imaginary.

Moving down the line, Eleazar was standing next to Kate with one arm around Carmen and the other hand in his pocket. His wavy red hair fell just above his ears and his golden eyes focused on mine with a questioning look. _It is nice to see you Edward, but what is troubling you?_ Rather than trying to tactfully answer the singular question I addressed the group. "I hate to invite myself in but…" Tanya looked as if she were coming out of a trance, "Oh forgive me for my rudeness Edward! Why don't we retire to the sitting room" I smiled gratefully, or so I thought. _He looks so broken. What could have happened?_ I heard Tanya's mind wonder. I quickly lowered my gaze and followed as she led the way through a doorway leading right, out of the foyer.

A few seconds later we were seated in the plush den. Alice and Jasper along with Carmen and Eleazar on a dark green couch, Irina, Kate, and Tanya, across from them on a duplicate of the same couch in brown, and Rosalie and Emmet in a huge leather arm chair. I chose a seat in the twin arm chair directly across from them. As soon as we were seated everyone looked at me expectantly. Then something that I couldn't recall happening in a very long time happened. I choked. I couldn't speak, I couldn't move, I was frozen in my chair.

For the majority of my "life" (and if I was utterly honest throughout most of my human life too) I had been very… confident. When I was alive, I had a good life. I took it for granted. Having things handed to me made me a bit spoiled, but not necessarily cocky, just naïve. The real change came when I had been a vampire for a few years. I knew that this curse I was suffering made me strong and to humans at least physically attractive. I became complacent. I began to see myself as invincible. I knew exactly how to be exactly what everyone around me wanted and I had the ability necessary to meet their standards.

When I met Bella all of that had changed. Suddenly, I had doubts. What did she think of me? Did I scare her? Did I disgust her? Could she possibly feel the same way about me that I was feeling about her? I was no longer self assured; but it was nothing like this. It had been wonderful. I didn't consciously know what to do or say, but somehow instinctually I managed to show her some part of myself that miraculously convinced her to love me back. Now, I realized with horror and despair, I had lost that original confidence as well as the source of the energy allowing me to overcome my newfound insecurities. Now I was left with nothing, empty.

My hands automatically clenched down on the plush arms of the chair. Out of the corner of my mind I heard Irina's mental gasp and wince. She bit her lip not wanting to be rude but also not really wanting me to ruin the new chairs. I didn't waste time being angry, she didn't know that there was a reason for my tenseness. I widened my eyes desperately at Alice; a cry for help. I could feel her mind frantically searching for something, anything, in the future that would help us out of the awkward situation we were presented with. Suddenly, Alice's mind, and mine, was confronted with the distressed face of Charlie Swan. _He left you alone in the woods. _It wasn't a question but an accusation. I let out a strangled cry, before quickly shutting my mouth around the sound. Alice's hands flew to her mouth in shock, her eyes were wide and apologetic. "Edward I…" I looked once around the room at the shock and confusion surrounding us. Kate was biting down hard on her bottom lip and had her eyes squeezed shut in pain. _What's going on?!_ I didn't let Alice finish before I was running.

As soon as I was out of the house, I took off to my right, back tracking towards the ravine I had been at earlier. Once I was there, without thinking, and with no real purpose, I hurled myself over the edge. The fall took a while, even for my dense and stone like body; on the way down I closed my eyes. _What have I done?! How could I have left her there?! Why am I so incredibly stupid?! _I felt the impact of my landing then; it wasn't nearly so forceful as I could have hoped, but for a moment I layed still with my eyes closed anyway, in a heap on the ground.

Just as I was about to resume my attempts to drown in my own self loathing, I felt someone standing over me. I was expecting Alice but rather than hearing a sound of gentle remorse, I heard a low growling. I opened my eyes and looked up at my sister. "Rosalie?" I was thrown off balance by her presence. Since when was I so easily surprised? I was obviously losing my grip on reality. "What are you…"

"Stand up." "Rosalie what…" I was still reeling from her sudden unexpected arrival. I felt like the rest of the world was moving at a normal pace but someone had hit my slow motion button; I couldn't keep up with what she was saying. "I said stand up Edward. You look about as ridiculous as you're acting." I got to my feet and stared at her. I couldn't figure out why she was so angry. What was wrong with her? I tried to listen to her mind to get an idea of what was going on but she seemed to be so angry that her thoughts could only stumble out in partially formed clusters. _What an idiot! Acting like a child! Why is he doing this?_ "Rosalie I know!" her expression faltered and her thoughts stopped abruptly forming one question that she also voiced aloud, "What do you mean, 'you know'?"

"I know I'm an Idiot!" I hung my head, defeated. "I know I'm acting like a child." My voice was quiet and sad now, "I need to do this though. I…" she cut me off again with a scream so loud that it echoed off of the sides of the canyon around us, "Shut Up!" My head snapped up, eyes and mouth wide open in shock. "But…" She still wasn't going to let me get a word in. "Shut up Edward! You think that I meant to come here and tell you that you were wrong to leave that girl?! You really _are_ an idiot!" she looked at me expectantly but I was still stunned. "Well then what…" I trailed off even before she could cut me off this time, baffled. But she still wasn't far behind.

"I came here to tell you to stop acting like a child about it!" I started to understand where she was going with this and I didn't like it. "I came here to tell you to grow up and get over it!" I was hurt that my sister couldn't commiserate, but I wasn't surprised. Rosalie and I weren't always like this. We used to be friends, we used to laugh and talk without all this paralyzing tension. The rift between us had started the day that Bella had moved to Forks. Her distance and distain had been a price I was willing to pay temporarily, until she had time to accept the change in my life. I had thought that maybe the one reprieve from this horrible (if self inflicted) situation would be having my entire family behind me once more. It could never heal my wounds but I thought that it may serve to dull the pain a little. I had been wrong.

Despite the hard feeling in the center of my body, the one telling me that there was no way I could change her mind, I tried to explain. "You don't understand Rosalie! How would you feel if this was Emmett?! I can't just move on! My entire reason for existing is gone!" "I do understand Edward. I understand that _you_ left_ her_! This was a choice and you weren't strong enough to make a less painful one so you ran!" I couldn't reply because I, to an extent, agreed with her. I hung my head again, hoping that she would accept my admittance of submission and just leave me alone. Alone was the only thing that I knew how to be now.

She saw my show of surrender, (I might as well have rolled over and showed her my belly like a dog) but she didn't accept it. _Oh so he thinks it's that easy? That he can just whimper and act sad and it will fix all the damage he's done to our family? No chance Edward. No chance. _I could feel her waiting for something; I still had no reply but I looked up into her darkening eyes anyway. This apparently had been what she wanted; she held my eyes with an iron grip and began the torture.

"Bella breathed air, but that doesn't mean you will stop breathing it." I flinched at the reference and she pushed forward. It was almost as if she was enjoying her attempts at destroying me. This might have hurt had I not already been as thoroughly destroyed as I could be. "Bella's heart pumped blood but that doesn't mean you will stop needing it to survive, Edward." She advanced a step, staring into my eyes with growing fury, "_You_ left_ her_!" she reiterated, "And the world continues to revolve! Around the sun and not some stupid little human girl by the way!" In one more stride she was standing only inches from my face, her vicious whisper far more deadly sounding than any scream, "You want my real opinion Edward? My true honest feeling?" The question was clearly rhetorical; I stared back into her eyes, feeling oddly distant. "I think you did the right thing. I think that leaving that girl was the smartest thing you've done in a long time. I'm _glad_ she's gone and all I want from you…"

Suddenly Rosalie was gone. I looked dazedly to my left to see her pinned to the ground by a small dark headed figure. Alice was growling menacingly, her small white hands wrapped in long locks of Rosalie's golden hair, holding her to the ground by her scalp. Rosalie, although obviously shocked, was not going down without a fight. A snarl ripped from her throat and she opened her mouth as if to yell, but Alice beat her to it. "You shut that pretty little mouth of yours Rosalie, good and tight." Her voice, fast and low held a threat that her sister clearly heard; she closed her mouth and slowly relaxed her body, lowering her eyes to the side. Alice, observing her show of submission, suddenly released her hair and was shortly standing several feet away. She crossed her arms and stared at Rosalie in equal parts disgust and sadness as she spoke. I noticed that she was shaking.

"I don't want to have to do that again Rose." Her voice was quivering and her fingers were making dents in her arms, "But you need to leave Edward alone. I don't want us to fight, but I can't watch you hurt him, he's been hurt enough." She hung her head and I looked over to see Rosalie's eyes soften. _I was only being honest. I just want my brother back. I don't understand you. Why are you doing this to us? _She looked at Alice rather than me but it was clear where her thoughts were directed. I stood listening to her mind and knowing that I should be feeling something, however as hard as I tried I couldn't seem to remember what it was. I felt emptiness and a dull throbbing of pain, but no stab of guilt came, for the hurt I was inflicting on my family. No measure of sadness for the sight of my sisters drawn into a fight I couldn't sustain for myself.

It was if there was a glass wall around me and nothing could get in. I could see out, I could hear the people on the other side of the wall, but I couldn't fully interact with anything on the outside. Or perhaps I mused analytically, as Rosalie finally turned to meet my eyes sadly, it was a box not a wall, and it was made of ice instead of glass. It was cold in the box, cold and lonely and slightly blurry. Rosalie shook her head once and spun, disappearing into the forest. I looked to Alice, through my frosty prison. She looked up to meet my eyes. _I'm sorry Edward. I'm really really sorry. Don't say it's not my fault. I know it's not. But it is my fault that I can't help. _She paused tentatively with her direct thoughts, trying to figure out what to do. "Go." I wasn't sure that I had spoken clearly enough at first. My vocal chords seemed to be freezing solid, probably due to the falling temperature of the box. I chocked out the word again, a little stronger this time, "Go." I tried to put as much evenness in my eyes as I could, meaning to reassure her, "Go back to the house. Be with Jasper. I'll be fine. I need to be alone for a while." I gave her a pitiful attempt at a smile.

She wasn't buying it but I could tell that the thought of Jaspers arms was tempting. I tried desperately to not feel the horrible ache that was going through my body, as the all consuming love my 'siblings' shared soaked her thoughts. "I need you to do something for me anyway." At least her curiosity ended her painfully clear thoughts of unending companionship. The problem was that I couldn't ask her to stop looking out for Bella just yet. I could feel myself backing down; this insecurity thing was definitely going to take some getting used to. Instead I changed tracks and went for a little bit of a smaller request.

Pinching the bridge of my nose I got it over with and asked, "Will you explain things to the others? I don't think I can do it myself." I was disgusted with how weak I sounded, "I don't care what you tell them, just tell them something." I threw in another thought at the last minute, picturing her pained face and remembering her frightened thoughts, I was concerned about Kate. "Kate may want an extra explanation, depending on what you tell the others. Tell her I'll explain it all to her soon. That much I can do." _Are you sure you'll be ok alone?_ Her question was gentle and tentative. "Yes." I practically sighed my response, relieved that someone finally seemed to understand at least a little. She nodded before turning and slowly walking away into the forest.

Finally letting down the meager mask I had been holding up, I let myself sink to the ground. I tucked in my legs and cradled my aching head. I felt a chilled, heavy feeling starting at the bottom of my body, working its way up. It reached my neck and I recognized what was happening. My little icy box was filling with water. I inhaled and felt the liquid fill my lungs. I inhaled again with more than a healthy amount of thankfulness, and let myself drown.

**A/N: **Thanks for reading!!! Ok so I really had a lot of fun writing that, even if I got a little teary there at the ending. I know your going to get tired of me saying this but: POOR EDWARD! My heart really does go out to him. Also I wanted to say: please don't hate Rosalie too much. She really does have her motives. (at least my interpretation of her motives) If you want to hear more about that put it in your review. I don't want to bore you with it here, but if you want my take, just say so. Also: I know that I was supposed to develop more on the Denali vampires but it didn't work out that way. I will hopefully get to them a little more in the next chapter. I'm still in the market for a really good idea for Eleazar's power, so let me know if you have one. Thanks for reading and PLEASE REVIEW! I would really really love some constructive criticism this time guys it really helps. Sorry I have rambled on so :D hope to hear from you and to update soon.

**Darky **


	4. Apologies!

**A/N: **AHHHH I'm an Idiot! I did something wrong when I posted chapter three and it only uploaded the first two paragraphs and the last two!!! I'm so sorry!!! I think I have just fixed it but someone please review and let me know if it still seems off! I didn't want to post this as just an authors note but I wanted to let everyone know. Please enjoy the real chapter! Lol I'm almost done with chapter four so it should be up within a few days!

Sorry!Darky


	5. Not Going Home

A/N: so sorry about the wait my life is suddenly insane in more ways than one. I'm working on a few other projects too so time is stretched thin. I hope you enjoy this chapter and I hope to update soon but this time I won't be making any promises. Enjoy!

Time whirred on as it is wont to do, and the light left the Alaskan forest. As imaginary liquid filled my body I ceased to be anything close to living. Not that I was all that close in the first place. I imagined myself to be a stone. A white boulder, silent and still. Night came and still I did not move. Life stirred in the edges of the clearing around me. Birds flitted in and out of the trees, an owl settled on a branch to my left. A herd of deer passed cautiously around me.

One of the deer paused to look at me; the others kept moving, seemingly oblivious. It was a doe, obviously young, with the white spots of its fawn hood still showing faintly on its flank. It looked very fragile and soft, standing in the dimness of the wood. I realized slowly that I needed to drink. I should just reach forward swiftly and snap the deer's neck. It wouldn't feel anything. Yet my arm did not move to reach forward. The iron sinew of muscles beneath my skin did not even tense. The thought of killing something so innocent and harmless repulsed me ten fold that of what it always had before. If I could have thrown up, I would have.

Suddenly I sprung to my feet and spun, hurtling back towards the house and away from the deer, which I could tell was still standing behind me, shocked and staring with liquid brown eyes. When I reached the front porch of the house, I slowed, walking carefully up the steps. Inside, Alice's thoughts were booming with worry, and Jasper was blaming himself for everything he could think of. I let myself in hoping that nobody would make a huge scene out of my return. It couldn't have seemed like I was gone for all that long; The time spent on the forest floor was already a blur to me, a smudge of pain in my memory.

I stepped into the warmth and Alice was immediately in front of me, however before she could speak I held up a hand. "I'm fine Alice. I'm sorry I've been gone for so long, and that you were worried." She shut her mouth, still looking anxious but slightly appeased. "If you don't mind I think I'm going to get settled upstairs." "That's fine Edward, call me if you need anything." Her voice was small and her eyes wove frantic patterns over my face, looking for some clue to what was going on in my head. I stepped around her and up the carpeted stairs to the second floor. I cycled through the thoughts of the others, trying to avoid running into anyone else. They all knew that I had arrived obviously they could hear and smell me, but none of them seemed to feel it necessary to interfere for the time being. I proceeded up the stairs and down the hall, turning into the last door on the right.

The room was familiar, I stayed in the same one every time we visited for an extended period, however I noticed minor changes. The furniture was the same, a thick pine bed, dresser and desk set, along with two tan leather chairs next to the small slate fireplace. But they had been arranged differently, throwing off my sense of the space slightly. Wearily I recognized the longing for familiarity growing inside of me. I missed the big white house on the river. I missed home. Abruptly, in order to turn my mind to something less painful I went into the bathroom to shower. I flicked on the overhead light and stared blankly at the ghastly image in the mirror before me. I was a wreck. My pale skin looked wan and sickly, marred further by the deep black circles under my eyes. My hair was infused with leaves and debris from my night in the forest. I turned the light back off and started getting towels out of the linen closet.

After twenty minutes of dragging my feet around trying to waste time, I emerged from the bathroom looking better and feeling exactly the same as I had before. Futile. Realizing I didn't have another choice at the moment I pulled on the same clothes I had been wearing since we left Forks. Thinking the name of the town left behind held an unforeseeable twist of heartache, so again I set out to distract myself.

I let my guard down for a moment and voices drifted through my head. Blue? Or Pink? Why does it take hours to pick out a freaking sweater?! Rosalie was changing clothes and Emmett was waiting for her to emerge from their bathroom "At the same moment there came a sound resembling the quick opening, and as rapid closing of a door overhead, while a faint gleam of light flashed suddenly through the gloom and as suddenly faded away" It took me a moment but I figured out that Eleazar was reading, or rereading probably, "The Pit and the Pendulum" by Edgar Allen Poe.

I couldn't hear Carmen, Irinia, or Tanya so I assumed that they were somewhere more than a few miles away, probably hunting. The next voice I could separate from the overall tumult of sounds was that of a human in the woods, out for a hike. I hope I'm not… Ow! Have to keep a better eye on my footing I suppose… The next voice made it apparent that Kate was still in the house. Ow! Oh I wish people would stay away! or at least be more careful! The exasperation in her thoughts was unusual for Kate; she wasn't quick tempered but quite the opposite. However her anger didn't bother me; I understood how she felt entirely as anyone could. Being "gifted" isn't at all what it's made out to be.

The last two voices were probably the most familiar of the ones present. I wonder what's been taking Carlisle and Esme so long Jasper wondered. By now I was settling into the familiarity of the thoughts of others floating around in my brain and I almost dismissed Alice's voice before noting how strange her thoughts sounded. Thirty-One, Thirty-two, Thirty-three, Thirty-four… Alice counting things to herself could only mean one thing. She was hiding something.

With no further delay I was down the stairs searching for her scent. I quickly located her in the obsolete kitchen counting tiles in the mosaic table top. "What did you see?" I demanded. She looked up, overly innocent. "Nice try Alice. Just tell me." She gave a resigned sigh and stopped repeating numbers in her head. Suddenly through Alice's mind I saw Bella laying in her bed. She was just as lovely as ever, resting peacefully, and then as if through a tunnel I heard the distant and harsh sound of her alarm clock going off. She opened her eyes and with her consciousness there came about her face a hollow look. It was as if everything had been scraped out from inside of her. She was a jack-o-lantern with no candle. Mechanically she got up and headed towards the door of her room. Half way she stumbled and fell. I winced as her body hit the hard wood floor with a thud. She lifted one hand where there was now lodged a large splinter. With no change in expression at all, she yanked the splinter from her own palm. Blood began to seep from the wound, but she made no move to stop it. She merely stared at it for a few seconds before getting up and continuing on her way to the bathroom. A small smear of red was left on the white trim of the door frame where she touched it as she left.

The vision ended and I was struck by a rush of feeling. I was deeply disturbed by the numbness in that beautiful face, and I was glad to not have to see the empty staring eyes that had once held such a lively spark, anymore. But I was also pained by the loss of the vision. I didn't want to stop seeing her, alive, if damaged. Alice stared at me worriedly and I thought about pretending that I wasn't bothered by what she had seen. I dismissed the idea. There was no point in trying to put up a good front. "When is that?" I asked her, my voice flat. "Close," she replied, "probably tomorrow or in the next few days." "Good." She looked at me incredulously and I was forced to explain. "Well if she's still upset for a few days it doesn't mean that she won't be all right again by next week." "Edward I don't think…" "I know Alice." I interrupted, "I know you think that this is more serious than that but I have to disagree. She will get over it. With time she is going to move on." I wondered if my sister knew that I was trying to reassure myself as much as her. I wondered if she knew that I wasn't doing a very good job.

"Look," I started, trying to sound soothing, "I needed to talk to you about this anyway." Now was as good a time as any. "What do you mean 'this'" She folded her arms and gave me a hard look. I pulled out a chair and sat down so that the corner of the table was between us but I was facing her. "I wanted to ask you to do something for me," she opened her mouth to interrupt but I held up a palm, "If you would, I'd just like to get my side out there before you start protesting." I put down my hand and let her think for a moment. "Will you let me talk?" maybe he's finally ready to work through this so we can go back I mentally winced at her thoughts and she nodded her head yes. After that I tried not to think as I spoke. I simply let the words pour out of me.

"Visions like that… They worry me Alice. Well obviously they worry me. But I'm not talking about being worried for Bella's safety." I ignored the surge of pain that went with saying her name. "I mean to say that they make me worry that one of these days you're… we're going to see something bad enough to make me want to go back. Not that they don't all make me want to go back, but one that will make me actually go. And I can't let myself do that, Alice. I don't want to fool myself into thinking that I can keep her safe by watching her and rushing to her rescue, when the only true way to ensure her safety is to stay very far away." I could tell that she was skeptical without hearing what she was thinking. I rushed onwards trying to make her understand. "Your going to say that this isn't what I really want and your right. This is the opposite of what I want. I want to ask you to stay with me all the time, searching for, seeking out every insignificant glimpse of her, but that would be wrong. I promised her that we would leave her alone. And I meant it. I understand that you can't always control the things you see, but I want to ask you not to look for anything. Please, for my sanity and her safety Alice, help me let her go."

I layed my head down on the smoothly pieced fragments of tile covering the table, facing away from Alice, while she made her decision. I focused hard on the feel of the cool of the table against my cooler cheek; I probably didn't want to hear what she was thinking right now and that aside I didn't want to encroach on her privacy more than I already had. Usually I was more cautious than I had been in the past few days. I didn't like myself when I relied too much on my extra talents. I felt like I was cheating at life. At death? At whatever this was. I thought back a long ways then, to when Rosalie first joined our family. We were close then. Not in the way Carlisle originally intended but in the fact that we were the only "children" then. Once Rosalie had asked me why I was so morally opinionated and I hadn't had an answer for her. I didn't have one now either (not that Rosalie cared much). An integral part of my personality is my inability to do something if I believe it's wrong. As I found out during the time when I left my family, guilt is my greatest weakness.

I began to think that maybe that is how I should have explained things to Alice. In her visions lay my Achilles heel. If I saw Bella in pain and thought that I was at fault, I would convince myself to return. I had to fight my weakness now more than ever. Nothing else was an option. I turned to fire another round of explanations at Alice, but I didn't find the disapproving look I was expecting. Her expression was soft and understanding. She gave me a meaningful look and I opened my mind finding her voice quickly. I blinked and she began thinking her answer. I wasn't sure that I could say this the right way out loud. She hesitated until I nodded and she continued. I'm going to do what you've asked. I was shocked but I kept listening. I don't like it and I think it's a stupid idea frankly. But… there is a point where I have to stop trying to control what you do. You are a very intelligent vampire, Edward, and you can think for yourself. I'm going to stop looking for visions of Bella I winced again at her name this time physically and Alice frowned as she continued. I can't guarantee that it will work all the time but I'm going to try out of respect for you and your decision, stupid though it may be.

I let out a sigh of relief and the horrible pressure that was now a constant in my chest lightened slightly. "Thank you." I said solemnly. With that the conversation closed and the mood of the room lifted and changed. I was simply sitting with my sister again as I had many times before but somehow the situation seemed foreign. "Has anyone heard from Carlisle and Esme?" I asked struggling to be conversational. I felt as though all of my social skills had been reduced to that of a caveman. She shook her head, "I don't know what could be holding them up, but I'm sure whatever it is it's manageable." I nodded in agreement and we fell silent again. The silence was awkward and it threw me off balance. Alice and I were usually so comfortable with each other. It made me wonder if everything was going to change in this same way. Without warning and for the worse. I closed my eyes and pinched the bridge of my nose between my pointer finger and my thumb.

Part of me wanted to go looking for my parents, another part of me wanted to use looking for my parents as an excuse to run hard and fast towards Forks, and a third part that I willed to be the strongest, told me that I needed to go hunt. "I need to eat badly," I stated the obvious to Alice; the black circles under my eyes made it all too apparent. "I'm going to head north a couple of miles and then circle back." She nodded and I ignored her thoughts, not sure if I wanted her to understand that I had a purpose for heading away from Washington or not.

I was out the door and running in a matter of moments, but the activity held none of the attractive qualities it had before. I wasn't filled with a sense of thrilling purposefulness, but rather a growing feeling of monotony. It was as if the rest of my existence would consist of simply going through the motions of life. With that thought echoing in my head, I caught the scent of a moose and let my instincts take over. All the while, as I hunted and fed, a deep sense of disgusted sickness was settling into my stomach. When I returned to the house an hour or so later it didn't leave. It stayed as I robotically said hello to my family and friends and as they told me that Carlisle and Esme had called and would be arriving in the morning. It settled in deeper as I recognized that I didn't know how to or even want to be with anyone else anymore.

I found when I locked the door to my room, even the solitude I seemed to crave could offer no comfort. I felt like I was wondering around in some sort of wasteland. There was nothing left for me in the present and I obviously had no future to move towards. This thought gave me the idea that maybe it was possible to simply live in the past. I layed down on the soft blue of the down quilt on the bed and closed my eyes. I searched through my memories for one that was happy yet wouldn't be too painful if the experiment I was testing out failed. I settled on one from the past summer. One day that had promised to be particularly nice for Forks Alice had proposed that she, Jasper, Bella and I go for a picnic by the river. I let myself sink into the memory, forgetting everything since.

I waited in the Volvo around the corner of her street until Charlie left for a seminar at the police station, he still wasn't my biggest fan and while he knew where his daughter would be spending the day we had decided that it would be better if we didn't actually have to come face to face when it wasn't absolutely necessary. When his thoughts trailed off I pulled around and into the drive quickly. By the time I stepped out of the car she was already on the porch. I smiled as I realized that she had been waiting by the window. I lost a race with Emmett the week before and the cost of the bet was that she got to drive my car to the house today. I was nervous but I climbed into the passenger seat anyway. Besides her teasing me about it the drive went smoothly. I found myself filled with pride at her obviously above human par driving skills. Taking longer than it would if I had been driving but not too much we arrived at the house.

Alice and Jasper were waiting on the porch, Alice holding a picnic basket filled with whatever she had decided to feed Bella today. They smiled and stood and we all began to walk around the side of the house. We made our way down to a part of the river that flowed more calmly, laughing and talking on the way like a normal group of teenagers going to have lunch. Alice spread out a blanket on the bank and Bella stepped out of the shade of the woods to stretch in the sunshine. The sun reflected off of her hair, showing red highlights underlying the deep brown. Suddenly with no apparent motivation, she turned to smile at me. The image of her smiling, eyes filled with an unjustified love, practically sparkling in the sunshine, overwhelmed me.

I sat straight up from the bed and looked around shocked that I wasn't looking at the bank of a river. I had allowed myself to take the memory much too far but it didn't bother me as much as it should. I was dangerously eager to return to the images of bliss and to forget my new empty life. As I contemplated slipping back into the sunshiny day in my head it began to fully sink in that it was in the past. Gone forever. Remembering that all the good in my life was gone wasn't nearly as nice as the other sort of remembering. At a stalemate with myself in regards to what to do next, I fell back to the old reliable practice of distraction. I needed to talk to Kate as I had promised Alice I would anyway.

I walked towards the study with my hands in my pockets and my head down. I didn't know what I was going to say to Kate, and I didn't know what I was going to do after that. I didn't know anything frankly, but that wasn't going to stop any clocks and it wasn't going to heal any of my wounds. I knocked on the study and got a two fold response. Edward? "Come in."


	6. The Tyger

Disclaimer: None of the characters or core plots in this story are the property of the author and no copy write infringement is intended. I do not own the books Twilight or New Moon, nor do I own the film Little Miss Sunshine or the poem The Tyger.

When I pushed the door open, the smell of antique books filled my senses. Hundreds, maybe thousands, of books filled shelves surrounding the room with the scents of aging paper and fading ink; this reminded me so strongly of Carlisle's office at home that I had to force myself to walk forwards and not run from the painful familiarity. Somehow keeping this small struggle entirely internal I moved to sit in a red leather chair across a large wooden desk from Kate. She was of course beautiful but it was not an obtrusive beauty, or the sort that could faze me now. Her hair was brown, in a distinctly light shade thankfully, falling in a straight wall behind her shoulders, and ending a few inches lower. Her features were small and soft fitting in well with the narrow shape of her face. If she had been about a foot taller, she would have been in constant danger of being mistaken for the latest wave of European models, modeling elegant clothes on the pages of one of Rosalie's glossy magazines.

She closed the book she had been reading, a collection of poems by William Blake, and looked at me with a distinctly worried expression. "Edward," she paused trying to word things right. I tried to leave her alone in her mind. "Edward," she began again, this time with more conviction, "I'm very worried about you." "That much is apparent." I shocked myself with my insolent tone. This was going to be harder than I thought. This new empty Edward that was steadily emerging wasn't very good with apologies apparently. A beat passed as I sat dumbly with my mouth open trying to figure out how to correct my mistake.

"I'm sorry Kate, I didn't mean to…" "Forget it," she held up a palm, "We all say things we don't mean sometimes." I took a deep breath and began. "I came to apologize to you." "What for?" she questioned looking genuinely confused. "I'm going through a… rough time right now." I grimaced at the inadequacy of the words. "I know you can tell and I'm sorry that it's affecting you. If there's anything I can do to help, please let me know." I looked down at my hands in my lap. Her voice was quiet when she finally responded, "What happened?" I opened my mouth angrily to protest; this wasn't a story I wanted to tell to anyone, ever. But I stopped myself. If Kate was feeling even part of the anguish that I was (which she had certainly appeared to be when I arrived), then she deserved an explanation. I owed it to her.

"I had to end….a relationship with someone I was very close to." As hard as I was trying to be kind, my voice still came out like steel. She looked taken aback, "You mean to say that you weren't … injured? I mean physically?" I couldn't find the strength to answer aloud so I just shook my head. "I see." Her tone made it very clear that she didn't. "Could you possibly… explain things a little better?" I could tell that Kate was being very careful to let me know with her voice and manner that she was sympathetic but finding one more person who couldn't understand certainly didn't help my state of mind. I considered talking to her, telling her everything. But I quickly dismissed the idea. What would it solve? What could it change but the addition of weight on my conscience that would undoubtedly come from placing such worries on innocent shoulders? "I don't think I could…right now." "I understand." She spoke softly again. I knew that she didn't but the lie was appreciated.

After a moment of silence I sensed that she was uncomfortable. I glanced up and saw her gazing at a clock mounted on the wall to my right. "I'm sorry I'm keeping you." My voice had a slight edge in it though I fought to keep it out. Apparently I had lost all self control in the transition to New Edward too. "It's no problem, I just need to run a few errands before your parents arrive and the shops in town close soon…" I didn't even need to listen to her mind to clearly see her thoughts written on her face. She clearly pitied me and thought that if she stayed I would open up and spill my story. I was glad that I had kept my story to myself. It was bitter of me but I realized I was beginning to dislike Kate. With every sympathetic glance my respect for her drained. New Edward had retained his sense of pride. "I'm fine actually, you go ahead." I raised my chin a bit as I stared her down. "Alright then," she allowed giving me a puzzled look, "I should be back in about an hour and then…" I cut her off, "we can talk. Right?" "yes…" She stood almost dazedly and crossed to the door. "Help yourself to a book, and let Eleazar know if you need anything…goodbye." I felt a small sense of relief when she was gone.

I wasn't as shocked at my new attitude towards Kate as I should have been. In that moment the way I saw it, I had no use for someone who thought they had the answers. For me, there were no answers. Kate had seen a lot of suffering, but I was willing to bet almost anything that she had yet to feel anything to the degree I was feeling it. Maybe that was stupid of me. Maybe I was right. It didn't matter anyway. i Why yes Kate, I think I will help myself to a book /i I thought savagely, grabbing up the volume she had been reading and opening it to a random page. In some recess of my mind I noted that my pain was slightly lessened now. I resolved to remember this incident and to test the theory that anger could be a new addition to my list of distractions.

I looked down at small worn hardback and found myself presented with a poem by William Blake (not surprising considering the fact that I was holding a compilation of his greatest works). I had memorized most of his more popular works long ago but something pushed me to read on anyway…

i The Tyger

Tyger Tyger, burning bright,

In the forests of the night;

What immortal hand or eye,

Could frame thy fearful symmetry?

In what distant deeps or skies

Burnt the fire of thine eyes!

On what wings dare he aspire?

Wht the hand, dare seize the fire?

What shoulder, & what art,

Could twist the sinews of thy heart?

And when thy heart began to beat,

What dread hand? & what dread feet?

What the hammer? What the chain,

In what furnace was thy brain?

What the anvil? What dread grasp,

Dare its deadly terrors clasp?

When the stars threw down their spears

And water'd heaven with their tears;

Did he smile his work to see?

Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger Tyger, burning bright,

In the forests of the night;

What immortal hand or eye,

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? /i 

I lowered the book into my lap gently; I sat very still. That I had opened that book, to that poem, in that moment clearly spoke of the workings of a higher power. Someone was obviously trying to tell me something. I was, of course, the tiger. Beautiful and dreaded; stalking through the darkness. I wondered as Blake undoubtedly had, what sort of being would create something so dark along with a world of things so pure. I found myself, as I was so often lately, back at the beginning, wondering why I was alive… dead… why I i was /i at all. Rather than harping on how very tired I was of having questions and no answers, I took the frustration and pain as a small penance for my great many sins.

In this sort of submission I sat for a time. I allowed the waves of guilt to wash over me; they didn't cleanse me of anything. I was left raw and dirtier than before in their wake. I blinked slowly, an animal waking from tranquilizer and looked towards the window on the other side of the room. The light outside was strong and for a moment I considered the clock wondering if it was running fast, before I remembered that this was Alaska. The one detraction of the Denali coven's life here was that the amounts of daylight and darkness shifted abnormally. This left them with some well received periods of long darkness and some constraining months of near constant light. Apparently things were now moving towards shorter nights and longer days; I hadn't noticed before through my distractions but now my internal clock was noticing the strain. One more change, one more loss of familiarity.

Without even realizing I was going to do it I reached to the side and slammed my fist directly through the edge of the desk. I clutched my head just to keep it from exploding. There was so much wrong with every aspect of my life that I couldn't handle it anymore. There had to be one clear patch in the darkened sky. I had thought that my family could be that chance at happiness but Rosalie… Well she wasn't my entire family was she?

I grasped at the fact that in just a handful of hours Carlisle and Esme would arrive. My need for the reassurance of my parent's presence was almost childlike. Carlisle would be able to tell me what to do. He would have the answers he had to. And Esme… Esme had always known exactly how to catch someone who was falling. Falling was something she knew a lot about. Yes, that was what I was missing. Maybe with my u whole /u family around me I could finally rest. Nothing of course could take the pain away; my quest was simply for something to ease it slightly. This idea calmed me enough for my breathing to slow and my mind to move to the fact that I was going to be owing Kate a desk. Sighing I went to find Eleazar.

I sifted quickly through the buzz of voices in my head and found his still reading. This led me to the den, scene of my fateful arrival where we was sitting in one of the leather chairs, concentrating deeply. This wasn't unusual for him and I found the predictability comforting. Eleazar like Kate, Alice, Jasper, and myself was talented. He was gifted with an intellect far above and beyond the average of one of our kind let alone any human. He possessed a photographic memory so strong that he could probably have told me what color socks I was wearing the first time we met without hesitating, and he was able to learn at double the speed of pretty much everyone else on the planet. He had completed Medical and Law school multiple times graduating at the top of his class each time.

My worry on explaining to him the destruction of the study desk was that, being so analytical, he sometimes had trouble understanding matters of feeling. Now, how to tell the clear thinking Eleazar that I had been so overcome with my own stupidity that I had thoughtlessly slammed my fist through the nearest piece of furniture. I decided that it would be easier to lie. Screw my stupid conscience. This was how far it had gotten me. I was sick of it.

"Eleazar?" he jumped slightly and looked up. "Oh! Edward, I'm sorry I was a little absorbed I suppose." He chuckled easily and leaned forward with his elbows on his knees and his chin in his hands. "What can I help you with?" he looked directly into my eyes very sincerely and I could here my conscience as clear as a cartoon cricket on my shoulder. i He hasn't done anything to you. Be honest. /i And so, as always, I folded in the presence of a moral conflict. I sighed and sat down hard on the chair across from Eleazar with my head in one hand. "I seem to have…gotten a bit carried away." I looked up to a confused expression. "I broke the desk in the study… accidentally of course." Well it wasn't i quite /i a lie. "My mind was just elsewhere, I was being careless and I put my hand down a little too hard…" "I understand completely of course. We'll take care of it." "Thank you," I was going to make another attempt at recovering my conversational skills but I could see him glancing furtively at the book still hanging from his hand, so I bowed out with a quick nod.

I returned to my room, having nothing else to return to, and lay down once more on the bed. It seemed as opportune a time as any to return to my visualizations of the past, and so, with an undue amount of eagerness, I closed my eyes and slipped backwards.

I visualized again the bank of the river. Alice had forced Bella into a tank top in celebration of the sun, it was a deep red color that accentuated the auburn streaks in her hair. As we lay on an old plaid blanket on the soft grass next to the water's edge I loosed one of these strands from her pony tail and played with it as we talked. We had been discussing films and, thanks to the gorgeous weather, Little Miss Sunshine had come up. "It's undoubtedly a great movie," I tried to stay focused and not be distracted by the curve of her lips as she smiled slightly at me, "but don't you find some of the plot… awfully coincidental?" she thought for a moment, her brow puckering adorably. "Well I suppose it is, but that's what makes it so endearing isn't it? It's just unreal enough." "Oh you're just a sucker for fairy tales." I retorted fondly. "I am not!" she protested, a blush giving away her lie.

A distant section of my mind, the part that wasn't living in the moment, recognized that I had missed this most of all. Someone to really really converse with. My family was always there but that was just it. When you had lived with someone for a hundred or so years, and they had a significant other of their own for all the most important discussions, you ran out of topics. I missed having someone who I could discuss anything and everything with over and over if necessary. I kept my eyes tightly closed and held on to the sunlight.

And so I settled into my delusions, and waited out the night with Isabella.

i When the stars threw down their spears

And the water'd heaven with their tears;

Did he smile his work to see?

Did he who made the Lamb make thee?

Tyger Tyger, burning bright,

In the forests of the night;

What immortal hand or eye,

Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? /i 


End file.
